Boscutti Report — Bill Shorten

CANBERRA (Boscutti Report) — Opposition Leader Bill Shorten has promised to give the Catholic school sector an extra $250m under a new Labor government. Mr Shorten said the money would be used to fund their legal campaign against historical and ongoing sexual offences. Mr Shorten wrote to the Australian Catholic Bishops Conference chairman, Denis Hart, promising the sector would be $250m better off in the first two years of a Labor government and billions over the decade. ‘We are committed to funding legal campaigns based on a proper ­assessment of their need, while also supporting their choice of legal strategies...

CANBERRA (Boscutti Report) — Opposition Leader Bill Shorten has realised the Labor Party’s ‘Putting People First’ slogan actually puts the word people second. Mr Shorten said a team of external communications consultants had revealed such cognitive dissonance led to voter distrust. ‘Obviously we are not putting people first if we are putting them second in our slogan,’ he said. ‘It is important that this is fully reviewed and any changes are given full consideration after comprehensive research and analysis. We do not want to and should not want to rush into anything.’ A spokesman for the communications consultants said ‘oh...

CANBERRA (Boscutti Report) — Opposition Leader Bill Shorten has vowed to either ban or not ban the Adani coal mine if Labor wins office in the next election. Mr Shorten said he wanted to ‘clarify’ labor’s position on the controversial mining project. ‘It will all be dependent on how we’re tracking in the polls going into the election,’ he said. ’The Australian people deserve an agile government that can quickly change its position on any and all policies.’ ‘One way or another, I’m determined to do something.’

MELBOURNE (Boscutti Report) — Opposition Leader Bill Shorten is considering surgery to replace his head with a smaller cranium. A spokesman said ‘everyone knows Bill’s got a big head.’ ‘But research is showing it’s becoming a big distraction,’ he said. ‘It makes his body look small and inconsequential.’ Research also revealed children under seven years of age find Mr Shorten’s big head ‘frightening’. The spokesman said this would damage Mr Shorten’s appeal to voters with young families, crucial in the upcoming election.    ‘A smaller, less Frankensteinish head will solve all the problems,’ he said.

MELBOURNE (Boscutti Report) — Opposition Leader Bill Shorten has apologised for mixing metaphors in a recent press conference over increases to health fund premiums. A spokesman said Mr Shorten had unfortunately mixed meteorological and sporting metaphors, and was ‘deeply sorry’ for any linguistic oversight. A spokesman said it was common for Mr Shorten to become excited and ‘get ahead of himself’.  ‘I’m not sure why he just doesn’t stick to the damn script,’ he said. ‘It’s all there written out in front of him.’