Boscutti Report — Daniel Andrews

MELBOURNE (Boscutti Report) — Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews will not reconsider his opposition to recreational drug testing despite a mass overdose on Friday night at a Festival Hall rave. However, drug law reform advocates say legalising drug testing could potentially save lives. ‘I don’t care how many lives pill testing may fucking save,’ Mr Andrews said. ‘There’s no fucking way I’m changing my position.’ A spokesman said according to polls, Mr Andrews had to appear strong and forthright to retain his leadership stance in an upcoming state election. ‘Of course if pill testing polls positively, he’ll change his position in...

MELBOURNE (Boscutti Report) — Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews has launched an initiative targeting Victorians sleeping rough in the ongoing battle to combat the chronic issue of homelessness. Mr Andrews announced a new measure aimed at intervening early in the cycle of homelessness, particularly in high-need regional centres including Ballarat, Bendigo and Geelong. ‘Mate, we’ll be giving each and every one of them a fucking one-way airline ticket to Sydney,’ he said. ‘Jetstar has one-way flights for $49.’ A spokesperson said cheaper flights on Tigerair were considered but dismissed on humanitarian grounds.

MELBOURNE (Boscutti Report) — Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews has blamed the Daily Mail for inciting ‘African gang’ violence. Mr Andrews said it was the perfect strategy to deflect any ministerial, government or police shortcomings. ‘Mate, I’m not blaming the ABC, Fairfax or News Corp,’ he said. ‘I’m blaming those English fuckwits at the Daily Mail because they can’t fucking retaliate. What are they going to do? Run a photo of me in my fucking bathers?’ A spokesperson said a hasty press conference was being arranged. ‘We’ll wheel out the Police Commissioner and a couple of darkies in those colorful shirts,’...

MELBOURNE (Boscutti Report) — Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews has slammed Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton’s comments on ‘African gang’ violence in Melbourne. Mr Andrews scorned Mr Dutton’s suggestion to include machetes with all place settings in Melbourne restaurants. ‘Mate, Dutton’s a fuckwit and a dick turd,’ he said. ‘How the fuck are you supposed to cut a Wagyu rump steak with a fucking machete?’