Boscutti Report — Peter Dutton

CANBERRA (Boscutti Report) — Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton has promised to modernise Australia’s border security system to deal with a massive and growing number of immigrants. Mr Dutton said the Department of Home Affairs is seeking a private-sector partner to design, build and operate a commercial ‘user-pays’ border force. ‘Anyone will be able to sign-up and get any gun they like,’ he said. ‘It’ll be like game hunting for refugees.’

CANBERRA (Boscutti Report) — Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton has pushed back on former Prime Minister Tony Abbott’s calls to cut immigrants in half. Mr Abbott said immigrants should be cut in half lengthways to retain their flavour when grilling or barbecuing. Mr Dutton said he wasn’t interested in eating immigrants. ‘Most of them taste like pork,’ he said.

CANBERRA (Boscutti Report) — Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton has promised to end an era of smart politicians. ‘Politicians using big words and all? Those days are over,’ he said. ‘It’s time fancy-pant senators stopped talking all fancy and stuff.’ Mr Dutton said it was time to ban intelligent politicians from keeping an open mind on a range of issues and using a rich vocabulary with multi-syllable words. Mr Dutton also said it annoyed him when people read without moving their lips because he ‘can’t tell whether they’re reading or not’.

ADELAIDE (Boscutti Report) — Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton has blasted the Victorian Labor government over African street crime, claiming residents of Australia’s second-largest city were scared to go out to restaurants at night. In a dramatic intervention in the state’s crime debate, Mr Dutton accused Premier Daniel Andrews of undermining the police and the courts and said political correctness had ‘taken hold’ in the state. ‘We need to arm Melbourne restaurant patrons with the right table settings according to the law,’ he said. ‘You can’t bring an oyster fork to a machete fight.’